Each year at Thanksgiving and Christmas, our entire family gathers for a big celebration to catch up, play games, and enjoy each other’s company – and of course, my grandma’s cooking. This is one of the few times throughout the year for us all to connect and share the love we have for each other. I’ve watched as each year, my cousins have brought their significant others to these events to introduce us, where they have been welcomed with open arms.

But I have to wonder, how would my family react if I decided to bring a girl to family Christmas? Would they give her the same energy? Would they welcome her into our family with open arms, regardless of their religious beliefs?

This is a question I think about constantly.

When I first began identifying as bisexual, I was pretty comfortable letting whoever know it. I was proud of who I was, even though I didn’t really understand it very well yet. I thought that I should figure out a way to tell my extended family, since I am so close with them and felt weird keeping something from them that was such a big part of me.

My mom, however, disagreed.

She told me that she didn’t really think that there was any reason to do this. That they didn’t need to know until I had a girlfriend. I agreed and shrugged it off, not really putting much thought into.

But after thinking about it, I wondered what my mom’s intentions with this were. Did she really just think it wasn’t necessary information to share, or was there something more to it? Was she just looking out for me, or was she trying to avoid the conversation until it was unavoidable?

I love my family, and I know how much they love and care for me as well. I am so blessed to have a huge family that supports me in everything I do and loves me as much as they possibly can.

But being loved and being understood are two different things.

Although my mom says she accepts me, it’s clear to me that she will never be able to fully accept it until she understands it. She has always known and understood that I like men, but she hasn’t yet come to understand that I have those same feelings towards girls. Coming from a catholic, conservative home in Columbus, Nebraska, she has not had much experience with this. I don’t fault her for that, but it would feel nice to be accepted and understood by the people that mean the most to you.

Sadly, though, my mom is probably one of the more understanding ones in the family, as many older relatives are very traditional.

It makes me wonder if it would just be easier to fall in love with a man.

That way, I wouldn’t have to wonder if my grandparents would be uncomfortable at my wedding. I wouldn’t have to stress about the reactions we would get at family Christmas. I wouldn’t have to constantly guess if I was being judged for who I love. All I want is to have those same experiences that everyone else gets without the stress that might accompany being with a girl.

The idea of it all is terrifying. But I won’t let my fears stop me from finding the person I am meant to be with. If my family really loves me, it won’t matter.